heartstones | we are the sword, we tame the fire, the flame

we are the sword, we tame the fire, the flame

[It's wonderful to be home.

Oh, sure, it hasn't been an easy transition into this particular version of Terca Lumireis. After all, that involved tracking down and killing this version of himself, which was far harder than it needed to be. Waiting for the proper moment to ambush himself while Gauche and Droite were nowhere nearby was the most difficult part. His original plan had been to actually fight, he took the more merciful option and simply sniped his other self. In some ways it was sort of traumatizing, in others it was completely liberating.

(But as long as he doesn't think about it for too long, things are fine, as usual.)

Regardless, he disposed of the body and slipped right back into his old life without missing a beat.

Of course, some things had to be handled immediately - namely, that whole mess with Altosk, the Don's grandson, and Belias - but somehow things had managed to work themselves out. Well, somewhat, Yeager's banned from Dahngrest again, but it's not like that's anything new, and it certainly won't keep him out of the city.

(Given that this was the Don's punishment for his guild's incredibly stupid and dangerous actions, Raven really did work hard to get him out of trouble.)

And so they return to their lives. For the time being, Leviathan's Claw is keeping a lower profile and taking on far fewer jobs, which is mostly to make Raven's life easier, not that Yeager will admit that. He's met with the other two several times since returning home - Raven more than Alexei, for obvious reasons - and while it's always nice to see them, it's almost always been exclusively about business.

Not that he minds that, truly. There's something wonderful about picking up right where he left off, without the consequences of his actions in his world to actually feel marginally guilty over. The Don is alive and well (and pissed at him) here, after all. Zaude hasn't been raised from the ocean floor, and the guilds and the Empire seem to be handling each other decently well... for now.

...But.

It's hard to pretend that his time away hasn't changed him. Droite and Gauche have noticed it too - they stare at him when they think he won't notice and whisper amongst themselves, and there's always the feeling there, whenever he talks to them, that something is off. With their behavior, with his, it isn't entirely clear. Maybe both. They don't know, of course - he took care of his other self's body so that it would never be found, after all - but they recognize that he's changed, they just haven't figured out how.

And really, he wouldn't know how to begin addressing any of that with them, so he simply doesn't.

Oh, he'll get around to it someday, probably. They are his daughters and he does want to treat them as such - but for now he wants things to be normal. He wants the normalcy he so desperately craved while in that horrid place, so maybe he can have this for a little bit. As a treat.

Still, he always leaves those meetings - particularly the ones with Alexei - feeling like talking about business (and strictly business) is sort of... frustrating.

(If only he could drag the Commandant out to set something on fire again.)

It's one of those meetings that's brought him into Empire territory today - he had business here anyway, so it's not like it was just to see Alexei - and he shows up to the appointed meeting place on time, dressed as always in the usual suit, with the usual briefcase at his side. Were it not for the (slightly) more genuine expression, it would be easy to assume that everything was just as it once had been, without a single difference whatsoever.

It's nice, in some ways. In others, it's maddening.]

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[He doesn't know what to do with the initial comment and it shows, the tension leeching into his body in droves, and he folds his arms as though seeking something to do with himself; the attempt at understanding really isn't any better, and he seems to make a subconscious decision to retreat - not physically, but verbally at least.]

I was careless. It was my mistake, and one that I have no intention of repeating. Enough people have died for me; the least I can do for them is try to keep their numbers down.

[...This... isn't really a good topic for them, is it. He probably should have realized that sooner. If Alexei can't even talk about it with Schwann, then there's no way in hell Yeager can handle it. He absently toys with his bangs as he thinks, gaze drifting away to some point on the floor, though he's not really paying attention to it.

Probably best just to let it go.]

...I do appreciate hearing about it, for whatever that's worth.

[And judging from his tone of voice, he has no damn idea if that's worth anything at all. It's far more than Alexei ever needed to tell him, so he does mean it, but this isn't really a topic either of them seem to know how to address.]

[Alexei shakes his head briefly, forcing everything out as he usually does; it doesn't come with the large amount of self-loathing that this sort of thing usually does - discussing this with Schwann always feels like pointless whining, to be honest - so he supposes that's a good thing, at least.]

I intended to tell you eventually. I admittedly wasn't expecting getting into it today, but it's something I had considered that you should probably know.

Especially since I likely will have more jobs for you in future. It seems only fair, given both that and our current arrangement, to at least tell you why.

You didn't have to. I don't usually pry into such things.

[It's light, though, once again more to fill space than to actually say anything of value, but it's Yeager, what does he ever say that's valuable.]

Let me know whenever you'd like, we can work out the details then!

[But that much is easier to address, which... is just sort of falling right back into business as usual, isn't it.]

"I don't usually pry." So says the man who brought me here solely to ask me questions, it would seem.

[...Okay, to his credit, at least he sounds like he doesn't totally hate it.]

You'll have to have patience, regarding the Council; it's still far too soon to be upsetting people again.

[...]

Unfortunately you didn't see what we did to them the first time. Schwann decimated them. I doubt we could get away with anything so brazen nowadays.

[wink!! ☆ leave it to you to call him on his bullshit, as always!!]

Well that sounds like a story! Do tell!

[DID YOU SET THEM ON FIRE—]

More questions...

[Yeager....]

It was after the incident I just told you about. I didn't even directly order him to do it; I had suffered multiple severe injuries and spent a fair amount of that time delirious. I remember talking to Schwann about what had happened; he said he would look after me, and if I wanted anything done in retaliation he would do it for me. I told him that I would like that.

I woke up next to news that half the Council had died.

[That is legitimately probably the best thing anyone has ever done for him. It shows in the way he talks about this. This is possibly a little sad, but on the other hand, how many people can say that someone wiped out half a ruling class for them, just because they indicated they might want that?]

[Ah, true love..........

Yeager laughs at that, and though it sounds as delighted as usual, the smirk he's wearing when he finally stops is a bit different from his usual ones - he hasn't truly looked this darkly pleased in a long time. Weird how a murdergame can get you to chill??]

My, I can only imagine how truly delightful that was. A shame I won't be able to compare!

Quite a shame indeed.

[He seems to have relaxed a bit by now, though that isn't to say he's done so in any reasonable sense of the word; more like he's back at baseline neutral, the odd tension from before having largely left him.]

Any other questions, while we're here? I don't see a reason to stop you now if there's anything pressing.

[Back to the status quo, then. Not that that's a bad thing, it's better than Alexei having some sort of Reaction over there that Yeager doesn't know how to handle (since setting things on fire is not an option).]

Hmm...

[Does he have any more questions? None that are pressing, at the moment, but he's certain the moment he says that, Alexei will excuse himself to go back to work. Which, fair, he's a busy man. But at the same time...

Well, Yeager wants to be a little selfish and keep Alexei's attention for just a bit longer. Is that so wrong??]

It's been a bit since we last had the opportunity to talk, so did you miss me~?

[...That just sort of happened while he was trying to find words to fill the space but uh. T-Too late to take it back now...]

[WELL, WHATEVER HE HAD BEEN EXPECTING, IT WASN'T THAT. He shoots Yeager a look rather abruptly, like he's not sure if he's fucking with him or not.]

Did I- ...really.

[His reaction should obviously be to play it off, to laugh like it was just teasing and move on like it didn't happen. They'll forget about it entirely by the next time they talk, anyway, and that'll be that.

It is so frustrating that he doesn't want to do that, because now he actually has to try. Do you understand how difficult his life is, Alexei. You're making him actually think about his feelings???]

Really, really! I want to know!

[The words come easily and while they're still light, they're not quite teasing - it's his expression that probably gives it away that this is... An Attempt because he doesn't look nearly as pleased with himself as he would if this was teasing.]

[Speaking of frustration, Alexei still does not seem entirely certain what to do with that, and so he- ]

Do you really think I would be here, otherwise? We hardly meet out of obligation.

[...So he says that, apparently, his voice hard.

It seems he was being entirely serious when he mentioned having difficulty talking about anything involving too many feelings, and he's discussed a lot of feelings today already.]

[Oh!! Alexei admitted it!! c:

He visibly brightens at that, and he's quick to respond.]

I'm glad, then. I just wanted to hear it.

[...mmmmngh okay fine, since you actually said it, he'll try—]

I missed you too, you know. I was terribly disappointed that you were called back so suddenly.

[It's still light though, because this is Yeager and he can't quite drop the act entirely - it's easier like this, so he can turn it into a joke if things don't go the way he wants, because opening up is still difficult as hell and he's really only tried for a few people at this point. But it is sincere, at the very least.]

Were you.

[It sounds skeptical in a lot of ways; fortunately, he does seem rather aware that that was probably an asshole thing to say, and while he doesn't apologize, he does clarify somewhat.]

It really never struck me that you would. Miss me any, I mean.

[...alexei that is also probably an asshole thing to say]

[jeez alexei, you're making him look good at this in comparison smh]

Well, yes, I know I'm not...

[Ugh, why is this the thing he gets stuck on. He sort of wants to bury his face in a pillow and yell, give him a moment—]

I'm not terribly good at this, if you haven't noticed. I'm actually quite bad at expressing any sort of genuine sentiment. But I do mean it, I did miss you.

[Is. Is that better. Does that help.]

[That feeling you're experiencing regarding wanting to bury your face in a pillow and yell is what it's like dealing with you all the time, just so you know...

That said, he'll take that in, and just kind of stare for a moment.]

...I've noticed, Yeager, it's fine. [jesus we are just racking up the asshole observation score here and I'm sorry about him] I suppose it's more that you don't seem the sort to allow that sort of thing to trouble you any. Though in hindsight I assume that's more deliberate than anything.

[Ah, he finally gets what he deserves...

Anyway, thanks Alexei, glad to know you're just going to drag him every chance you get!! This is why he doesn't like talking about his feelings!!!]

Ja, of course it is. I spent the past decade pretending I didn't have feelings, it's a bit difficult to express them now.

[...maybe he shouldn't have said that... oh well, too late now.]

I'm at least trying to be a little more honest about it since you did go to all the trouble to tell me about all of that.

[...and since you admitted you missed him but shhhh he can only admit to so much at a time!!]

[His expression flickers quite a bit at that first part, but it doesn't take him long to get that back under tight control.]

It seems we've all spent the last ten years doing that, to varying extents.

[...]

We really are quite the trio, aren't we?

[At least we've gotten the character development to recognize it?? Is that a good thing...]

...That's one way of putting it, I suppose.

[jfc we are a shitshow, character development or not.

This brings it back, though, to one of those awkward pauses where he's not sure if we're done here; he isn't certain, if he's honest, if he wants them to be done here just yet.]

[On the one hand, everything settling back to normal feels nice because that means he can stop being mildly embarrassed by his feelings. On the other, there... really isn't much of a reason to linger any longer, is there. Alexei has work to do and Yeager needs to travel all the way back to the guilds.

...But he really, really doesn't want to go yet. He's not entirely sure what it is he wants out of this meeting - because he's already received quite a lot, honestly - but here we are anyway.

The hesitation lasts longer than it really should, because it's not like Yeager's one to ever keep quiet, after all.]

...I imagine it may be awhile before we can meet up again. Of course, I'll let you know should I have business in the Empire, but...

[He trails off there, not knowing how to finish that.]

[Ah.

That is a valid point, vexing though it is; it just...might be a while before they can see each other. Alexei would normally be all right with that, or at the very least he would make himself be all right with that, but something about the fact that Yeager clearly isn't all right with that is striking him oddly, and he isn't altogether sure how to address it.

He hates uncertainty.]

...I still have the rest of the evening. They aren't expecting me back for some time.

[It probably says something about him (or perhaps just the situation at hand) that he doesn't immediately fire back with a joke or teasing, but this meeting's already been so goddamn weird that this might as well happen.]

I certainly won't say no to spending more time with you!

[It's... nice to have that confirmed, he thinks, though he's admittedly not entirely sure where to go from here.]

[That's another thing that strikes Alexei oddly, among the many things that have been over the course of this discussion; he's quiet for a moment before just- ]

Why?

[Thankfully he doesn't just leave it there, he does clarify, but it's likely that the clarification won't be one that Yeager likes; at the same time, while we're all being honest with one another...]

You've mentioned that Schwann and I aren't the sort to discuss these things, and I'm aware that you and I are far less so. But I'm still left wondering exactly what changed for you while we were in that place, and when.

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