heartstones | we are the sword, we tame the fire, the flame

we are the sword, we tame the fire, the flame

[It's wonderful to be home.

Oh, sure, it hasn't been an easy transition into this particular version of Terca Lumireis. After all, that involved tracking down and killing this version of himself, which was far harder than it needed to be. Waiting for the proper moment to ambush himself while Gauche and Droite were nowhere nearby was the most difficult part. His original plan had been to actually fight, he took the more merciful option and simply sniped his other self. In some ways it was sort of traumatizing, in others it was completely liberating.

(But as long as he doesn't think about it for too long, things are fine, as usual.)

Regardless, he disposed of the body and slipped right back into his old life without missing a beat.

Of course, some things had to be handled immediately - namely, that whole mess with Altosk, the Don's grandson, and Belias - but somehow things had managed to work themselves out. Well, somewhat, Yeager's banned from Dahngrest again, but it's not like that's anything new, and it certainly won't keep him out of the city.

(Given that this was the Don's punishment for his guild's incredibly stupid and dangerous actions, Raven really did work hard to get him out of trouble.)

And so they return to their lives. For the time being, Leviathan's Claw is keeping a lower profile and taking on far fewer jobs, which is mostly to make Raven's life easier, not that Yeager will admit that. He's met with the other two several times since returning home - Raven more than Alexei, for obvious reasons - and while it's always nice to see them, it's almost always been exclusively about business.

Not that he minds that, truly. There's something wonderful about picking up right where he left off, without the consequences of his actions in his world to actually feel marginally guilty over. The Don is alive and well (and pissed at him) here, after all. Zaude hasn't been raised from the ocean floor, and the guilds and the Empire seem to be handling each other decently well... for now.

...But.

It's hard to pretend that his time away hasn't changed him. Droite and Gauche have noticed it too - they stare at him when they think he won't notice and whisper amongst themselves, and there's always the feeling there, whenever he talks to them, that something is off. With their behavior, with his, it isn't entirely clear. Maybe both. They don't know, of course - he took care of his other self's body so that it would never be found, after all - but they recognize that he's changed, they just haven't figured out how.

And really, he wouldn't know how to begin addressing any of that with them, so he simply doesn't.

Oh, he'll get around to it someday, probably. They are his daughters and he does want to treat them as such - but for now he wants things to be normal. He wants the normalcy he so desperately craved while in that horrid place, so maybe he can have this for a little bit. As a treat.

Still, he always leaves those meetings - particularly the ones with Alexei - feeling like talking about business (and strictly business) is sort of... frustrating.

(If only he could drag the Commandant out to set something on fire again.)

It's one of those meetings that's brought him into Empire territory today - he had business here anyway, so it's not like it was just to see Alexei - and he shows up to the appointed meeting place on time, dressed as always in the usual suit, with the usual briefcase at his side. Were it not for the (slightly) more genuine expression, it would be easy to assume that everything was just as it once had been, without a single difference whatsoever.

It's nice, in some ways. In others, it's maddening.]

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[wink!! ☆ leave it to you to call him on his bullshit, as always!!]

Well that sounds like a story! Do tell!

[DID YOU SET THEM ON FIRE—]

More questions...

[Yeager....]

It was after the incident I just told you about. I didn't even directly order him to do it; I had suffered multiple severe injuries and spent a fair amount of that time delirious. I remember talking to Schwann about what had happened; he said he would look after me, and if I wanted anything done in retaliation he would do it for me. I told him that I would like that.

I woke up next to news that half the Council had died.

[That is legitimately probably the best thing anyone has ever done for him. It shows in the way he talks about this. This is possibly a little sad, but on the other hand, how many people can say that someone wiped out half a ruling class for them, just because they indicated they might want that?]

[Ah, true love..........

Yeager laughs at that, and though it sounds as delighted as usual, the smirk he's wearing when he finally stops is a bit different from his usual ones - he hasn't truly looked this darkly pleased in a long time. Weird how a murdergame can get you to chill??]

My, I can only imagine how truly delightful that was. A shame I won't be able to compare!

Quite a shame indeed.

[He seems to have relaxed a bit by now, though that isn't to say he's done so in any reasonable sense of the word; more like he's back at baseline neutral, the odd tension from before having largely left him.]

Any other questions, while we're here? I don't see a reason to stop you now if there's anything pressing.

[Back to the status quo, then. Not that that's a bad thing, it's better than Alexei having some sort of Reaction over there that Yeager doesn't know how to handle (since setting things on fire is not an option).]

Hmm...

[Does he have any more questions? None that are pressing, at the moment, but he's certain the moment he says that, Alexei will excuse himself to go back to work. Which, fair, he's a busy man. But at the same time...

Well, Yeager wants to be a little selfish and keep Alexei's attention for just a bit longer. Is that so wrong??]

It's been a bit since we last had the opportunity to talk, so did you miss me~?

[...That just sort of happened while he was trying to find words to fill the space but uh. T-Too late to take it back now...]

[WELL, WHATEVER HE HAD BEEN EXPECTING, IT WASN'T THAT. He shoots Yeager a look rather abruptly, like he's not sure if he's fucking with him or not.]

Did I- ...really.

[His reaction should obviously be to play it off, to laugh like it was just teasing and move on like it didn't happen. They'll forget about it entirely by the next time they talk, anyway, and that'll be that.

It is so frustrating that he doesn't want to do that, because now he actually has to try. Do you understand how difficult his life is, Alexei. You're making him actually think about his feelings???]

Really, really! I want to know!

[The words come easily and while they're still light, they're not quite teasing - it's his expression that probably gives it away that this is... An Attempt because he doesn't look nearly as pleased with himself as he would if this was teasing.]

[Speaking of frustration, Alexei still does not seem entirely certain what to do with that, and so he- ]

Do you really think I would be here, otherwise? We hardly meet out of obligation.

[...So he says that, apparently, his voice hard.

It seems he was being entirely serious when he mentioned having difficulty talking about anything involving too many feelings, and he's discussed a lot of feelings today already.]

[Oh!! Alexei admitted it!! c:

He visibly brightens at that, and he's quick to respond.]

I'm glad, then. I just wanted to hear it.

[...mmmmngh okay fine, since you actually said it, he'll try—]

I missed you too, you know. I was terribly disappointed that you were called back so suddenly.

[It's still light though, because this is Yeager and he can't quite drop the act entirely - it's easier like this, so he can turn it into a joke if things don't go the way he wants, because opening up is still difficult as hell and he's really only tried for a few people at this point. But it is sincere, at the very least.]

Were you.

[It sounds skeptical in a lot of ways; fortunately, he does seem rather aware that that was probably an asshole thing to say, and while he doesn't apologize, he does clarify somewhat.]

It really never struck me that you would. Miss me any, I mean.

[...alexei that is also probably an asshole thing to say]

[jeez alexei, you're making him look good at this in comparison smh]

Well, yes, I know I'm not...

[Ugh, why is this the thing he gets stuck on. He sort of wants to bury his face in a pillow and yell, give him a moment—]

I'm not terribly good at this, if you haven't noticed. I'm actually quite bad at expressing any sort of genuine sentiment. But I do mean it, I did miss you.

[Is. Is that better. Does that help.]

[That feeling you're experiencing regarding wanting to bury your face in a pillow and yell is what it's like dealing with you all the time, just so you know...

That said, he'll take that in, and just kind of stare for a moment.]

...I've noticed, Yeager, it's fine. [jesus we are just racking up the asshole observation score here and I'm sorry about him] I suppose it's more that you don't seem the sort to allow that sort of thing to trouble you any. Though in hindsight I assume that's more deliberate than anything.

[Ah, he finally gets what he deserves...

Anyway, thanks Alexei, glad to know you're just going to drag him every chance you get!! This is why he doesn't like talking about his feelings!!!]

Ja, of course it is. I spent the past decade pretending I didn't have feelings, it's a bit difficult to express them now.

[...maybe he shouldn't have said that... oh well, too late now.]

I'm at least trying to be a little more honest about it since you did go to all the trouble to tell me about all of that.

[...and since you admitted you missed him but shhhh he can only admit to so much at a time!!]

[His expression flickers quite a bit at that first part, but it doesn't take him long to get that back under tight control.]

It seems we've all spent the last ten years doing that, to varying extents.

[...]

We really are quite the trio, aren't we?

[At least we've gotten the character development to recognize it?? Is that a good thing...]

...That's one way of putting it, I suppose.

[jfc we are a shitshow, character development or not.

This brings it back, though, to one of those awkward pauses where he's not sure if we're done here; he isn't certain, if he's honest, if he wants them to be done here just yet.]

[On the one hand, everything settling back to normal feels nice because that means he can stop being mildly embarrassed by his feelings. On the other, there... really isn't much of a reason to linger any longer, is there. Alexei has work to do and Yeager needs to travel all the way back to the guilds.

...But he really, really doesn't want to go yet. He's not entirely sure what it is he wants out of this meeting - because he's already received quite a lot, honestly - but here we are anyway.

The hesitation lasts longer than it really should, because it's not like Yeager's one to ever keep quiet, after all.]

...I imagine it may be awhile before we can meet up again. Of course, I'll let you know should I have business in the Empire, but...

[He trails off there, not knowing how to finish that.]

[Ah.

That is a valid point, vexing though it is; it just...might be a while before they can see each other. Alexei would normally be all right with that, or at the very least he would make himself be all right with that, but something about the fact that Yeager clearly isn't all right with that is striking him oddly, and he isn't altogether sure how to address it.

He hates uncertainty.]

...I still have the rest of the evening. They aren't expecting me back for some time.

[It probably says something about him (or perhaps just the situation at hand) that he doesn't immediately fire back with a joke or teasing, but this meeting's already been so goddamn weird that this might as well happen.]

I certainly won't say no to spending more time with you!

[It's... nice to have that confirmed, he thinks, though he's admittedly not entirely sure where to go from here.]

[That's another thing that strikes Alexei oddly, among the many things that have been over the course of this discussion; he's quiet for a moment before just- ]

Why?

[Thankfully he doesn't just leave it there, he does clarify, but it's likely that the clarification won't be one that Yeager likes; at the same time, while we're all being honest with one another...]

You've mentioned that Schwann and I aren't the sort to discuss these things, and I'm aware that you and I are far less so. But I'm still left wondering exactly what changed for you while we were in that place, and when.

[Oh. Yeah, he doesn't like it. It's not that he has to think about the answer, because truthfully, he's asked himself that plenty of times and has accepted that yeah, that place was responsible for changing his thoughts on Alexei. So it's not exactly the question that's the problem, rather...

It's not really something he's had to talk about. He and Raven have danced around the topic more times than he cares to count, but they're more or less on the same page because they're coming at it from the same angle. There are more than a few similarities between the two of them and their approach to their life after the Great War.

But things are different with Alexei, and as little as Yeager likes the topic, he does feel like Alexei deserves an answer to that.]

...A lot of things did, really. I ended up getting to know you more than I would have liked, at first.

[His eyes drift to some point on the wall at that; it's a bit surreal to think about how different things were back then.]

But then after Raven... [Better not to focus on that; he shakes his head.] You gave me my freedom, and I think that was the point where I realized I didn't have it in me to be angry or upset.

[Sure, he reacted badly in the moment, but that was more because it was the last familiar thing he had in an unfamiliar place and it was just a bad time for it. Regardless, it was appreciated - though he'd hope that much was obvious afterwards.

He's quiet for a moment, studying that point on the wall again as he tries to figure out how exactly to word it. Sure, seeing Alexei as a person instead of a boss, a threat, was the main reason, but...]

I think I'd decided at that point that I wanted to... to try taking this life seriously, I suppose. So I didn't want to be angry with you anymore.

[Because he wouldn't have this opportunity in the first place if it weren't for Alexei.]

[Thankfully this time he's able to handle the answer he receives a little better than he did the first time; the first time there had been an attempt at this discussion it had been with Schwann, and emotions had been running extremely high at the time, and he'd more or less told Schwann to speak his mind and then immediately punished him for doing so, for some arbitrary goddamn reason that he still can't quite figure out.

But this is different, both because of the current outside circumstances and because, well, it's Yeager - which isn't to say that he isn't taking it seriously or trying to answer in a way that isn't his immediate first thought; that literally never goes well, and so he's trying his best not to do it. He's just never been as close to Yeager, and so this feels decidedly less personal than it would have otherwise.]

...Schwann said something similar. When I asked him about this.

[Unfortunately, this conversation is already exceedingly personal.]

You know that what I've done wasn't because I hated you, or because it was initially my intention to use you.

[It's more of a question than he would like.]

I know.

[The answer is immediate, certain. It wasn't something he'd really stopped and considered before spending time away from Terca Lumireis, but there's no doubt about it now. If Alexei had truly meant to use him from the start, he wouldn't have let Yeager run off and do whatever the hell he wanted for so damn long.]

I think I have a decent enough idea of why... that happened, anyway.

[Because Casey's unit was Alexei's personal project, because he has problems with people dying on his orders or because of him, and because he had the means to try to bring them back, so why wouldn't he attempt it? It wasn't meant to fuck them up, because how could anyone have predicted how they'd handle it? Alexei had admitted as much during the trial, after all - he cared about them, regardless of what he'd done and how they felt about him.

So in the end, Yeager isn't angry about it, because he wouldn't be Yeager if it hadn't happened. He wouldn't have Gauche and Droite to look after, he never would have gotten to know Raven, and he never would have seen Alexei as anything other than the Commandant of the Imperial Knights. The intention matters a lot here, and knowing it was never meant to be a punishment or something that bound him to Alexei has helped tremendously.]

I do mean that, though. I am... glad that I have another opportunity to enjoy this life.

It's...acceptable if you still find it unforgivable. That isn't my place to decide, and I understand it if that's the stance you choose to take.

[It's said neutrally, lacking any sort of implication regarding what he expects the response to that to be; Schwann had said that it was unforgivable, or at least he'd said something fairly close to that, and Alexei was fine with that in the end. As long as it could be dealt with in some way, and they weren't continuing to hold it over each other, that was enough.

He gets it, as difficult though it had been to come to that conclusion.]

...It's good to know that you mean that, however. Sincerely.

[Unforgivable... Honestly, Yeager hasn't really stopped to think all that much more about it since things finally clicked into place and he understood why Alexei did it. It is what it is, and he's reached a point where he wants to enjoy this chance at life, so does it have to be any more complicated than that?]

...I don't really know my answer to that.

[But at the very least, he figures Alexei deserves honesty about that.]

Regardless of what I do end up deciding, I do mean what I've said tonight. It hasn't been easy reaching this point, but I am glad I have.

[With that, he grins, the expression a bit wry but still obviously pleased.]

Well, I'd say that's enough honesty and openness from both of us for a very long time, ja? Look at how far we've come.

[And even though that was supposed to be a joke, it doesn't really sound like it...]

...Thank you, though. I do think discussing it has helped.

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